Saturday, May 23, 2015

How to get rid of a free table on Craigslist.

At first I tried a simple "come get this free table" sort of ad. I mean, what is not to love, right?




No one wanted it. What the hell? It is free?!?

So then, I got bored, and I got creative. I figured people did not just want a table, they wanted a talking piece. That wanted that table that you can build a room around, not the object that just takes up space. 

So I posted this:

"A table that has served King and Queens, Rulers and Despots, Commoners and Knaves - Now available to you, for free!
You might be thinking, what is the catch?  Such a rare find, in Hilo of all places?  There is no catch, this table is just awaiting a new home and a new life.  For the past few years it has graced our carriage entrance, seeing such notable visitors as the guy next door, pizza delivery people, and the occasional dinner party.  Now, the table that is most noted for inspiring such works of art as "The Last Supper" and "Guernica" can be yours, for free!  
Think about the history that can grace your carport or servants hall, and all you need to get this historical piece is a truck and some sort of servant to help to elevate it to your mobile platform.  If you do not have a truck, I am sure that log rollers or some other form of transportation will work. 
If you want to be the envy of Hilo, with all your neighbors asking you if that is the table they saw in such movies as "The Godfather," "Seven Samurai," and "Apocalypse Now," then don't hesitate and email me now! (Please note: the table did sustain some damage during both the Russian Revolution and when it participated in the moon landing as a place to stage the camera for that now famous selfie).  I am sure you understand that re-entry to the earths atmosphere can be a bit harsh on wood.
Email me and arrange for a time to snag this piece of history and elevate your carport to proportions that you never thought possible."

Needless to say, I got some amazing responses...

" we have just escaped the mainland and had to leave all our valuables behind to escape the crazy rat race of the bay area. We would be honored to show such a worthy table of this caliber to our friends and family. It  would be the perfect table to show our dogs playing poker. please reply if still available and we'll arrange a horse and carriage to pick it up during tomorrows sun."

And...

"may i be as so bold to his/her grace to ask if this fine object of noble and fine historic master piece be still made available?
if so may your humble servant and subject bring his carriage to remove it from the lavish castle in which it has welcome the noble men and woman of this great nation;
I humbly await your instruction"


The first email of course had to win. So this was my response:


"As you mentioned the key words of "dogs playing poker," I have chosen you, out of many responses, to pass on this table. Like Excalibur or the hammer of Thor,  you have been deemed worthy. 
With great power comes great responsibility. 
Please confer with your servants and establish a good time to meet on the morrow (or even tonight if you are in town), and we will transfer the Table."

Needless to say, I now know how to successfully move free stuff.

Step 1: Write a quirky or deranged advertisement.
Step 2: Only respond to the people who are as crazy as yourself.
Step 3: Write back a message that is just as insane.
Step 4: Hope they don't steal your internal organs.

Good luck! Make me proud with your use of this knowledge.